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Porn Will Make You Gay

Mastrbtn is Murder

What were you told it would do to you?

You’ll go blind. / Your wee wee will fall off. / You’ll burn in hell.

Or, how ’bout this? Pornography will make you gay.

That’s the up-and-coming tactic the current generation of prudish parents plan to use to stop their kids from wanking. They say their target is porn, but it’s all connected, part of being anti-masturbation and anti-sex in general. This cockamamie porn invention—I hesitate to call it a “theory”— was presented by Michael Schwartz at a “new masculinity” workshop held by the Values Voter Summit in Washington last weekend.

 

Is Mr. Schwartz a child psychologist? A pediatrician? A teacher at least? Nope: he’s chief of staff to Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, and a long-time conservative activist. Apparently Values Voters aren’t too picky about where their parenting advice comes from: gasps and nods of agreement swept through the audience as Schwartz postulated this effective manipulation to control their pubescent sons.

Schwartz was not, as one might infer, speaking specifically of gay porn, but about all porn.  The idea was given him by a gay friend–or, as he put it, one “inflicted” with the “malady” of homosexuality.  “All pornography is homosexual pornography,” said the friend, ”because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards {sic}.”

 

Teenage boys, Schwartz pointed out, are so notoriously homophobic (my word, not his) that they’ll cease and desist from Playboy forever, fervently praying it’s not too late to preserve their precious heterosexuality. (Will gay evangelist kids start a run on girlie mags, believing that’s what every self-respecting queer uses?)

I was five years old, left alone in the bathtub, happily twisting my nipples with my little fingers. My mother came in. “Stop that!” she scowled, as horrified as if she’d caught me drowning my baby brother. Nothing further was necessary.

You can see why anti-masturbation measures became one of my pet peeves.

Boys tend to be more persistent than girls in this area, so more drastic measures are needed to keep them from their toys. But boys will be boys, and if repeatedly told they’ll turn gay from pornography, I can see how they just might.

Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies!

 

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