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Chumbug!

tulip menorahModern Day Tulip Menorah

I can hardly believe it’s that time again, but here it is, the ultimate statement on Chanukah you’ve been waiting and praying for. I’m re-posting it for the third time, my new tradition. Originally written as a performance piece for an event in the 90s called “Xmas Sucks.”

Chumbug!

So, nu? It’s not enough that I’ve been hocked to death by Xmas for six decades, now it’s Chanukah too!

Have you noticed the way they try to pacify Jews with equal time for Chanukah? Televised menorah lightings side by side with The Tree towering over it? Dreidl dolls with curlable hair. Latke dinners at 25 bucks a pop. The goniffs! I suppose it serves us right for draying that we don’t get equal time in December.

HELLO? I don’t want Chanukah any more than I want Xmas! Not only is it a minor holiday, it isn’t even politically correct: it commemorates some sort of Jewish war victory. No one even paid attention to it until Xmas grew exponentially, to the point where it’s now our National Disease.

Admit it: Xmas isn’t a day. It’s an event that lasts from October through January. That’s three months, or one-quarter of the year, or 25% of all the time we spend on this planet. I’ve done the math: If I live to be 75 I will have spent roughly 18 years coping with the anger, resentment and depression induced by the so-called Holidays.

The real tsuris is that I’d finally gotten a handle on it, when suddenly, after so many years of making me feel I should deny my ethnicity, Christians began pressuring me to become a Real Jew. Carolers arrived at my doorstep singing “O Chanukah” and “Dreidl, dreidl” in four-part harmony, demanding latkes. I got an ecumenical card that read “As we celebrate Xmas and Chanukah.” Children’s books on Chanukah spill from the shelves—I saw one in which Chanukah was interwoven with the birth of Jesus, I kid you not. When I objected to a wreath being hung in my office, the poor girl hanging it let loose with an incoherent, maudlin story about the beauty of menorahs. Huh?

Fellow Jews, we must act, and fast, before a dreidl decorates every streetlight, before Day-Glo stars of David are used to invoke guilt and capture gelt. We must organize so that, come next October, when electronic menorahs play “Little Star of Bethlehem,” we can rise up in unison and shout

CHUMBUG!!!!!

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